It might be unethical to plot trying to kick somebody out of the apartment (sorry if I’m being too direct), but sometimes you just can’t help wanting a certain person out of your life, but unfortunately, can’t just ask him/her to leave. We are not going to talk about the reasons that made you want your roommate to move out, just like doctor doesn’t ask what caused a certain kind of decease, we will just try to give you some advice on how to have it done.
1. The easiest thing to do would be to make up some story about an unexpected visit from your distant relative who has no place to stay, but your apartment, and that is exactly why you need a spare room (the one, that the unwanted roommate occupies) for your lovely auntie to crash. But that would only work if the apartment is actually yours. Well, things are, in general, much easier if you are the principal tenant on the lease…(Sigh…).
2. Remember, getting rid of your roommate is not a single person task, try to get as many people on your side as possible, when achieving it. Make friends with all your other roommates, or if it’s just you and your roommate, seek some advice and support from your friends or family. Ideal thing to do would be to have your significant other stay at your place as much as possible.
3.Make your roommate’s life in the apartment unlivable, but try not to be obvious about it. Use your out of box thinking, try to imagine what would be unbearable for your roommate to put up with: let’s say the A/C stops working when there is a hundred degrees out? Oh, that would suck, right? What if it broke multiple times during the hottest week of summer, do you think this would make your roommate want to move out? What I’m saying here probably sounds unrealistic, so let your imagination run wild and invent your own ways of sabotaging your roommate comfort.
4.Practice brainwashing: slowly but steadily plant in your roommate’s mind the idea that the apartment you live in is overpriced, the neighborhood is not safe and he/she is way to old/sucessfull/messy to live with anothehr person. Brainwashing takes time. A lot of time, and you have to be really discreet to not to o/d it, because then the whole thing will backfire at you.
5.Be everything your roommate doesn’t want you to be. She wants the house to be quiet after 10 pm? Make sure you gait has suddenly become really really heavy, save some dishes to do at midnight right when your roommate is trying to fall asleep. Again, try not to be obvios. Blasting music is not going to help, because then your roommate would just ask you to stop and if you refuse it is going to lead to an open conflict, which you are going to be the one to be blamed for.
6. Borrow a furry, noisy, messy pet from one of your friends, you know, something likepekingese: extremely hairy, tiny dog that doesn’t like strangers and barks at them in that awful manner small dogs do, that makes your ears bleed. Just make sure you have a convincing story ready about why you couldn’t refuse taking the dog in and how there is no other place in the whole world where it could stay, while it’s owner is away (for an unknown period of time) in case your roommate objects having a pet in the apartment.
7. Break into your roommate privacy. Remeber how everybody complains about those annoying roommates who always want to talk and hover around waiting for a chance to start a conversation? Become one of them! Catch your roommate on the way out, ask where she/he’s going, express desire to go there with him/her, show up in the kitchen everytime your roommate is there preparing a meal, join him/her in the living room when he/she watches tv, and talk, talk, talk… non stop. That is guaranteed to drive anyone insane, but at the same time, there is nothing your roommate will be able to call you on, after all it’s not your fault that you have a friendly and open personality and you just want to share it with the world, right?
8. Eat your roommate’s food. The absolute killer is: “oh, it was yours?! sorry I really thought it was mine…Well, I’ll just pay you for it!”
And, if I where some obnoxious and trashy person, blogging anounimously from some spam infested site, I would also suggest you to attack your roommate’s aesthetical feelings… By becoming really messy when you are using the bathroom…Especially when doing the “number two” thing. See, this is such a delicate issue to address, that it usually takes a long time for a normal person to build a nerve to call you on this, but it is guaranteed to cause cringes and wholehearted FMLs each time your roommate has to deal with the concequences of your “absent mindedness” (did you get the hint?) and there is no way he/she would be able to avoid it.
All these things will make your roommate want to jump out of the window to escape your presence, especially if combined and performed systematically. and then you can either enjoy your privacy and live alone, or find yourself a new, better roommate.